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Internets-Americans
The Internets-Americans, with their unique cultural heritage and proud traditions, have made many historic contributions to the melting pot that is white, middle-class, suburban America. Most Internets-Americans are quiet people, who still inhabit their ancestral dwelling places in their parents' basements, observing their ceremonial rituals into the pre-dawn hours, and eating their traditional foods of pizza and other microwave-friendly meals washed down with Jolt or coffee. History of the Internets-Americans The Internets-Americans are indigenous to the internets, although they were not discovered by explorers until some time in the mid- to late-1990's. Official Language(s) Most Internets-Americans can speak American, but they generally prefer to speak one of the variant dialects of their own individual Internets-tribe. Some of the better known of these pidgins and creoles include 1337, Feynglish, LOL and LOLbonics, Hacknerian, Wonkese, and of course Colbanglish. Recognition of Internets-Americans In order to be considered an "Internets-American," one must meet at least three of the following criteria: 1. Played "Stephen Colbert's World of ColbertCraft" for 5+ continuous hours. 2. Uploaded a video on The YouTube that "may technically be" the property of Viacom. 3. Experienced repetitive motion strain. 4. Thought "Mountain Dew tastes good" at least once. 5. Purchased something unnecessary from The eBay only to "burn" an annoying counter-bidder. 6. Participated in an ongoing MMORPG. 7. Joined a cult. (Some people consider #6 and #7 synonymous.) 8. Spent countless hours editing a wiki. (See note above.) 9. Expressed great concern about Wii shortfalls. 10. Expressed no concern about Medicare shortfalls. Internets-Americans Tribes * Nerds, including the sub-tribes ** Flash-ers ** L'IRCers ** Fark'ers ** Schizophrenics ** Cyberchondriacs ** Acamedians ** Second Lifers ** Wallflowers * Porn Enthusiasts, including the sub-tribes ** Sports Porn Enthusiasts ** Gay Porn Enthusiasts ** Gadget Porn Enthusiasts ** Gun Porn Enthusiasts ***Gun and Boat Porn Enthusiasts ** Regular Porn Enthusiasts ***Horse Porn Enthusiasts * Cultists, including the sub-tribes ** Bloggers ** News Junkies ** Jesus Junkies ** Spammers ** Wikinazis ** chan/lers ** White Supremacists ** Space Cadets * Fangirls (and boys), including the sub-tribes ** Pottermaniacs and their natural enemies the Snapepologists ** Indiekids ** Rain lovers ** NAMBLA members (both kinds) The Greatest Internets-Americans Heroes A very special tribe of Internets-Americans defend truthiness, justiness and the American Way on internets tubes devoted to Our Glorious Stephen. The obsessive, Stephen's ass-loving, "community oriented" sub-tribe of these Internets-Americans mostly hang out at the Colboards. The obsessive, what's-Stephen-doing-now, "well-informed" amongst this group of Internets-Americans heroes mostly hang out at NoFactZone. And the obsessive, dedicated to God and Country, willing to sacrifice their very identities to the whims of The Greatest President Ever and The Baby Jesus, pure in spirit (if not always in body), earth-inheriting Internets-Americans who want to Stephenerate the good Doctor with their every keystroke? They mostly hang out at the Wikiality.com, of course. Well, hello there. I didn't see you come in. Common Activities One everyday practice of the Internet-Americans consists of complaining about the cancellation of a favorite television show which the complainers have only ever seen on the YouTube. They also enjoy spending countless hours playing video games of every variety, from pseudo-epileptoid-barrage, to pseudo-life-boring. The Internets-Americans enjoy any internets activity which provides them an opportunity for long, tedious discussions focused around minutia. These discussions should be so focused as to be absolutely inscrutable to an outsider, and so volatile that they lead to frequent dissent amongst the Internets-Americans participating. Obviously, this makes blogging a favored pastime, as Internets-Americans love any opportunity to talk publicly on the internets about the lives that they do not have. Mating Practices The most marked differences amongst individual Internets-Americans arise in the arena of mating practices, with few generalizations to be made about the group as a whole. Save one: whatever kind of "sex" the Internets-Americans are having, God most likely disapproves. The reason for this is simple, and clearly expressed in God's inerrant word. Sexual congress should serve one function only - baby-making- and internets-sex very, very rarely leads to this end. Broadly speaking, the Internets-Americans' reasons for avoiding their natural duties in lieu of the deviant "virtual" sex practices of the internet stem from their inability to enter into more traditional sexual mating for one or more of the following reasons: * Virginality maintenance as a desired, enforced, or miserably tolerated practice * Prowling and/or Trowling deemed preferable to actual flesh-and-blood dating * "On the Rebound" * Trapped in loveless marriage * Too obsessed with Famous Person to pursue and/or accept anyone else The Internets-American "Lifestyle" Internets-Americanism is not a choice. They are born that way, and no amount of taking their Internets access away will ever change that. The day has come for all Americans to recognize that the Internets-Americans have a vital role to play as members of our community, and to accept the fact that they are just going to be snarky when answering tech support calls. Remember: They're just like You and Me. (Especially if they're not.) Rights from http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/web/la-oew-shtender28nov28,1,4668331.story 1. Establish an industrywide reporting mechanism in which all sovereign requests to censor, and also violations of human rights or breaches of U.S. law are reported to the U.S. State Department. 2. Establish rules governing not only information sharing but labor and environmental practices. This includes, but is not limited to, identifying existing vulnerabilities and monitoring entire transnational high technology commodity chains. 3. Establish a dispute-resolution procedure through which individuals can bring grievances. This should include financial and legal support to individuals making a claim and a compensation fund to settle successful claims. 4. Establish an external monitoring mechanism to ensure compliance with the code of conduct by signatory members. 5. Establish a permanent sector-specific committee aimed at influencing non-signatory companies to join and to support complementary regulation and legislation among states that limit universally accepted human rights. 6. Demand and support U.S. legislation that governs U.S. high-tech corporate behavior abroad based on the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act of 1977. 7. Provide financial and technological support for community groups and nongovernmental organizations advocating a human rights and environment-respecting transnational high-tech economy. 8. Limit data retention on individual consumers, particularly in authoritarian regimes. 9. Support and develop technologies that usurp censorship and allow for anonymity among targeted users. 10. Allow for a period of public comment on a draft of the code to be considered before its finalization. External Tubes *Joe Biden to hunt down Internet Pirates *How Internet Pirates are hurting our economy *Internet Pirates invades the British Island *Internet Pirates now a National Threat *FBI destroys Pirate Industry